Kat Millar

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How To Have The Body Language Of Confidence

Have you noticed how one person can appear super confident, while another person comes across as unconfident – even if both people are saying similar things?

Confidence is not just about what we say, but what our body is saying as we say it.

I think you’ll agree, if someone has really unconfident body language, you can tell straight away they don’t fully value or believe in themselves, or what they’re offering.

Our body language is a reflection of our confidence.

In this video and article, I share with you how to have the body language of confidence.

This is part 1 of a 3-part series about how to have the language of confidence.

 

 

Think about influence. If you’re a business owner, if you’re a coach or any kind of service provider, that person is buying in to your confidence, right?

People are not going to buy from you if you are not confident in yourself and what you’re offering.

Have you ever made a significant purchase, actually invested quite a lot of money in something where the salesperson or the service provider was really unconfident?

Probably not right?

Because we buy off people who have confidence and boldness in what they’re offering.

They believe in themselves, they know their worth and their value.

You have to be confident in three different ways.

The first way is your body language.

Body language is estimated to be roughly 55% of our communication.

It’s not just about what we say, but it’s how we say it. It’s about what our body is saying.

Our tonality, the way we say something is about 38% of our communication, and words are only about 7%.

A lot of trainers focus on the words – what to say, and our words are really important. I’m going to cover that in the third part of this series.

But in this article, I share tips on body language, because it can really make or break your ability to sign up clients your ability to make an offer confidently and make a sale.

Recently I was asked by a company to come in and train their staff on how to be more engaging and market themselves better.

We were brainstorming in this meeting yesterday and talking about all the different things that stop people from taking action, from being inspired to buy, and act.

And the first thing that we decided to start with is communication skills.

Because you can have the most amazing product or service in the world.

You can have all the written copywriting in place.

But if you are not inspiring, influential and confident in the way you deliver it, people are unlikely to buy it.

 

There are 3 main things that make up confident body language.

 

1. Open body language

When you first meet someone, they are making a first impression of you within about the first few seconds.

People are sizing you up and judging you. We have to, because it keeps us safe, right? We’ve got this in-built judging part of us to protect us, we want to know if that person is trustworthy, if that person is safe.

Part of our brain is scanning the body language to make sure that that person can be trusted. The more closed we are, the less confident we look.

So when you meet someone at a networking event, for example, if your body language is closed, people automatically, at an unconscious level discount you and lower you in your positioning inside their mind.

When you meet people – are you crossing your arms?

Are you putting your hands behind or body or clasping your hands in front of you?

At an unconscious level, this sends out signals to the person that you’re communicating with that you are not open to them.

And closed people aren’t usually warm, and are usually less trustworthy.

When I get people up in my workshops to stand in front of the group, pretty much everyone closes up, crosses their hands or arms or puts their arms behind their back -whatever it is that makes them feel less threatened.

Closed body language makes you appear more nervous and less confident.

So make sure that when you’re standing talking to someone that you keep your arms at your side, or use your hands purposefully.

It can be a really hard thing to do.

The most important thing you can practice with body language is standing with your arms directly at your side.

I remember as a personal trainer, I was taught when I’m training my client to stand with my arms at my side.

It was one of the hardest habits I had to get out of.

And when I did professional speaker training, they made us stand with our arms by our sides for days when we were presenting, to get us out of that habit of closing our body or fidgeting.

We often just go to this pattern unconsciously and don’t even realise we’re doing it. So you’ve got to train yourself. You need to practice it. It’s probably going to feel weird at first, but practice, practice, practice.

If you’re calm, and certain and confident, then you can easily just hold your hands at your sides.

When you’re in a meeting, when you’re speaking on video, when you’re chatting with a client, are you using open or closed body language?

It matters.

Also, remember to use your hands. Your hands add flavour, interest and colour to what you’re talking about.

Don’t overdo it; don’t be distracting. But just use your hands naturally as where they want to move to.

2. The body language of certainty

People who are certain about what they’re saying use certain body language.

Using gestures with your palms down shows certainty.

Using strong hand gestures where your hands are straight and in a natural position with your palms facing each other is also a certain position.

You can also use your hands to drive your point home.

With certain body language, you’ve got to read the situation.

Body language is not ‘one size fits all’, it’s about using what is appropriate for the person or people you’re with.

Standing tall with your head up is also a certain body language pose.

If you’re on stage and you want to come across confident, you want your body language to be bigger.

Certain language is bigger. Compare it to people who are very shy and nervous and awkward – their body language is small and more tucked in. They try and make themselves small to take up less room and not be so seen.

Very confident people try and take up more space.

It’s very similar to the animal kingdom, animals that are trying to exhibit their territory or their power or go really big.

Think of a peacock, or a gorilla beating its chest.

3. Symmetrical body language

Another body language of confidence is symmetry.

As soon as you tilt your head to the side, as soon you put your lips to one side, or lean on one hip or put your weight on one side, you look less confident.

Asymmetrical posture makes you look more confusion and less confident in what you’re saying.

When we’re certain we have symmetry: our feet are together, we stand with even weight on both feet, and we’re not tilting or leaning or torso or head at all.

If you want to come across more confident in your body language, this is a simple hack that you can apply straight away.

If you’re making an offer to someone, avoid going asymmetrical in your body language.

If you do it too much, you’ve lost it – it’s usually game over.

The body language of confidence is very symmetrical.

It doesn’t mean being stiff and forced. Just bring awareness to it and think about how you may be coming across and being perceived by people.

If you want to come across more confident, if you want to command more respect from people – and you can still do it in a nice, friendly, open, warm way – be symmetrical.

Symmetry is one of the most important parts of confident body language.

It doesn’t mean you’re symmetrical all the time, but when you’re delivering your message or presenting your offer, having enough symmetry in your body language is crucial.

So, to recap the 3 parts of confident body language

1. Open body language

2. Certain body language

3. Symmetrical body language

So, how’s your body language?

Are you being open, certain and symmetrical when you’re making your offers?

The first step is awareness.

I have hundreds more tips on influence and how to attract clients and inspire them to sign-up to what you’re offering.

If you’d like help in this area, I’d like to offer you a free, private 1-1 strategy session.

Together, we’ll create a game-plan on your best next steps to being a more influential business owner who gets results.

Click this link to book your free 45-minute strategy session.

Business is too hard to do alone.

So don’t struggle, make sure you reach out, I’d love to help you overcome your business challenges and get the results you deserve.

Kat

 

 

 

 

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2 Compelling Traits You Need In Order To Influence People

In this video and blog post, I share with you 2 compelling traits you need in order to influence people.

 

What are the compelling traits that you need in order to influence people?

We’re not born with the skill of being able to influence people, it’s something that we need to practice and master. And we can keep getting better for the rest of our lives.

Authentic influence is about helping people to get what they want, to understand what are the limiting beliefs, some of the mindsets that are stopping them from getting what they want, and becoming the most awesome version of themselves.

If you want to grow your business, attract more clients, make more money and help more people, then you need to learn how to be a compelling person and how to magnetise people towards you.

You need to know how to be charismatic, how to be confident, how to be attractive to the people that you’re serving, that you’re helping.

So think about right now, think about the people in your life that you are influencing, that you’re having an influence over, and the people that you want to have more fun with.

Whether that is your tribe, your community.

It might be your followers on Instagram or Facebook.

The people that are watching your life – maybe people that your clients are coming to see your workshop.

It could be people that you want to attract into your business.

Maybe it’s your peers or colleagues or joint venture partners with – there are so many different people that we influence.

We also influence our friends and our family.

You’re already an influencer, you’re already influencing people as it is.

So if you want to get better at it, there are two traits that you really need to have in balance.

There’s always an equal and opposite reaction.

Whenever there is light there is dark, whenever there is good, there is bad.

That opposite, that polarisation happens all throughout the laws of the universe if you think male: female, masculine: feminine.

And these are the two traits that we need.

Number one, we need strength.

And number two, we need warmth.

Strength and warmth are key attributes that define the quality of our relationships with others.

If you think about it, if we have the strength and we don’t have any warmth, we’re not particularly compelling and attractive and influential.

Imagine someone really strong, direct, blunt, really kind of forceful, with no warmth – that can be a real turnoff.

And then imagine someone really warm, really loving, very feminine energy. But it’s not strong at all, it’s just too much on the warmth end of the spectrum. It can be too fluffy and overly ‘nice’.

They also are not compelling, because we don’t always feel safe with them or that they are going to give us a result.

To be compelling, we need both.

Strength

Strong people exude a sense of inner ability, strength and confidence. We can be influenced by them and follow them (so they are often in leadership positions). But strength alone is not the key to leadership. Without the warmth we may respect them, but we may not like nor trust them.

Strength is about competency. You all know those people that are super competent, and super confident. And you just feel safe, when you’ve got that strength, you can help people feel safe around you.

When you’re competent, when you can help them to get what they want, when you can show them that you are the person that can get them from A to B, you’re the person that can make them feel secure and safe and supported in your strength, you know, because you’re strong.

Strength is about competency. It’s about respect.

So often we command respect by being competent, by being confident, by being strong.

Strength is usually more testosterone-driven.

So more men tend to have this, but there are definitely women that have this down this end of the spectrum, but it’s more of a feminine rather than a male-female thing.

If you’ve got a lot of testosterone in that energy, then you’ll have that strength. We need to have that strength when we are influencing people.

Think about when you’re in a sale, you cannot just be warm, you cannot just be lovely and nice. And what do you think and what do you want, and we’ve got to actually have that strength, we’ve got to be strong, we’ve got to show people we can help you, I can help you.

We are reliable we, you know, you’ve got to draw their respect from people because and I know as an adult teacher, I had to always walk into the classroom and get respect from them rather than love and friendship from them.

I learned that from my teacher friends, I asked them, “How do I be a good teacher?” and they said, “Don’t try and be friends with the students”. Get their respect first. That’s the strength.

They need to respect you and know you have that strength first.

And then you add that flavor of warmth once you’ve got that.

So, you probably sit somewhere along that end of the spectrum.

If you’re more on the strength side, you’re probably quite direct, quite blunt, you probably use quite a big movement.

Someone who is very strong, they use big movements, they have very open space, they command attention, they command respect, they have a big presence. They are usually quite big in their gestures, and quite open.

So if you’re too much in your strength energy, and you’re wanting to be a little bit warmer, (because we need both), bring it in a little bit with your body language.

So maybe touch that person on the shoulder, maybe sit closer to them, actually pull them in closer to your proximity.

If you are really strong energy already, just to bring a little bit more warmth. And you might just match and mirror that person a little bit more. So that you’re getting more warmth because they’re feeling kind of getting that emotional feeling going.

If you are very direct already, and you want to be more of a warm person because you maybe feel that being too strong and too direct and blunt, and too in your masculine energy.  Like let’s just get the job done, the fastest way from A to B, let’s not worry about, you know, all the feel-good stuff.

If you don’t have any feel-good stuff, you’ve got zero, then people can feel like it’s all about the task. We want to check more into our warmth if we’re in that in that kind of mode.

Warmth

Warmth is the perception someone cares for us. They listen, understand us, even empathise with us.

We distrust people’s motives who lack warmth. They put us on our guard and we try to avoid them.

Warmth is empathy. Empathising with that person. And we do that by nodding, by agreeing with someone, by validating their emotions, by helping them feel really safe. It’s a really different kind of safety.

With strength, with that energy, you feel safe because it’s results-driven. You’re safe because I’m going to get the job done for you, you’re very confident.

The warmth is more about showing – you’re safe with me because you can open up, you can be vulnerable.

The warmth is very vulnerable. It’s our feminine, it’s our nurturer. It’s about making people feel really accepted and loved.

Warm people tend to be smaller with their gestures, their body language is usually softer and there’s more smiling.  It can be a little bit more tilted, so we go asymmetrical to be warmth, where strong energy is very symmetrical.

If you think about it when you say something and you’re certain, and you’re strong, you say it in symmetry, feet together, not one foot forward. Hands-on the hips, very strong.

The warmth is with open palms.

So if you’re wanting to bring out more warmth, then we do more open palms, plus a tilt of the head which is very vulnerable.

In terms of body language, with the strength, it’s usually big actions, very open, they’re not matching or mirroring, they’re being strong, and they command respect.

We respect those people, if there is enough warmth.

The warmth is the love. The strength is the respect.

We need both, we need both types of energy. If we’re too much on this end of the spectrum, people aren’t going to feel a connection to us, They’re not going to necessarily feel drawn to us and be compelled, they might not even like us.

They might respect us, but they probably really don’t like us.

And on this side, on the warmth side, we can really feel like someone’s really loving and warm, where you just feel the love and feel looked after.

But we probably wouldn’t trust them to help us buy a house or to help us manage our money or to help us solve our problems. Right?

In addition, when you’re in a sales conversation, for example, we need to go back and forth, kind of like the infinity symbol, we go into our strength, then we go into our warmth. And we need to adjust where we fit in on the spectrum.

It’s basically Yin and Yang.

Competency, empathy.

Respect, connection.

We need to balance and go back and forth.

We need to actually show the person that we’re influencing or that we’re working with, that we’re connecting with, that we are both –  that we can be both.

So when I’m in a sales conversation, the majority is warmth – questioning, building rapport, matching body language. The matching of body language is very much the warmth, it’s making the person feel very comfortable and very connected, very validated in their feelings.

And then when it gets to the results part of the sale, when I’m actually going to share with them how I can help them, I turn on my strength.

I say things like “Look, I know you’re sick and tired of xyz, let’s just get rid of that, let’s just move on, like, why don’t we get started?

I’ll go into that strong energy because if you stay in the warmth in that sales conversation and say things like “How do you feel. what would you like to do, you know, have a think about it” etc. and you go all passive it doesn’t work, it kills the sale.

Whereas if you start the sales conversation too strong and you’re really dictator-like and very direct and blunt, you’re also going kill the sale before it’s really even begun.

So, in a sales conversation where you want to influence someone. I recommend that you come in with your warmth, and then you, you dip and out of your strength – you say to someone “Look, I can absolutely help you with that” and you say it with certainty and conviction.

You go into this strong energy, you feel it – you’re tonality is strong it’s not questioning.

Whenever we’re communicating with people we’ve got to be thinking, what is needed more right now? Strength or warmth? Respect or connection? Competence, or compassion?

We’ve all got access those two compelling traits that you need to really effectively influence people. When you have both of these and a beautiful balance, which takes time and practice and skill, you can influence anyway.

You can use this on videos, you can use in your writing, you can use it in your workshops, you can use it in all of your communication and you will be incredibly influential and you’ll be perceived as an incredibly compelling and influential person.

And then I leave you with a quote that I love, which is, ” If you want to be liked, you need to like people”. And when you like people genuinely like people, you want to serve them, you want to help them you want to give them the best of you.

And the best of you is when you can get a really good balance between being really strong and being really warm.

If we get those two things right and balance, you will be absolutely unstoppable my friend.

So my question to you is, where do you sit on the spectrum? Are you naturally more in your strength or in your warmth?

And what can you do to move a little bit closer to the other side, or to just be in a little bit of more of a balance and a flow?

I hope it’s really helped knowing the two compelling traits that you need for influence.

Go and practice them this week, and let me know how you go.

 

 

Would you like to know how to attract and sign up new clients?

Join us at my upcoming 1-Day Workshop in Sydney, Saturday 17th August

‘How To Attract Your Ideal Clients’

 

 

This event is for people who are ready to roll up their sleeves and grow their business.

ALL the enthusiastic, positive, grateful clients imaginable are out there right now, ready and waiting for you.

All you need is the right system to attract them into your business.

You’ll learn the best marketing tools and a proven system to attract them.

If you’re unhappy with the money you’re earning, you HAVEN’T applied the right system yet. At this workshop, I’m sharing a rarely-utilised strategy that will be your new secret client-getting advantage.

Earlybird offer available until Sunday, 11th August

So if you are building a business or wanting to build a business – check it out.

Learn More

 

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3 Fast Ways To Build Your Confidence

I'm obsessed with the subject of confidence at the moment. The more I think about it, the more I realise it's such a crucial skill to develop if we want to live a bigger, bolder life. 

What is it about confidence that makes it such an attractive feeling and way of being?

Here are some of the reasons why I believe confidence is so important:

1. We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves

If you show up in the world by treating yourself with respect, by talking about yourself in a kind, loving way - you usually have that kind of overflow to liking the other person and showing up and liking and acknowledging them.

This usually leads to better quality relationships and deeper connections with people.

2. Confidence suggests leadership

Most of us are leaders in some form or other in our life.

As humans and pack animals, we want to find the leader and follow her. Confidence is one of the traits of a leader.

When someone is in a leadership space in our minds, we listen to them.

We follow them, and we enjoy the feeling of being led around the things we want to improve on.

If you don't have confidence, people usually don't want to follow you.

3. It exudes positivity that is attractive

We love to be around people who help us feel better.

Confident people have positive thoughts about themselves, which in turn create positive thoughts towards others.

I’m not talking about arrogant people who say "I'm better than everybody else. They're a loser. I'm the best."

That comes from a place of insecurity, trying to be better than everybody else.

That is not true confidence.

I believe confidence is a flow-on effect from living your life on purpose, with meaning and aligned to your highest values.

I've been researching confidence and listening to a number of audiobooks on the subject and I've come to realise that having more confidence is something that most people want - but not everyone is actively trying to create.

Here are 3 big mistakes that people make when it comes to confidence: 

Mistake #1:

Hustling for worthiness

Hustling for worthiness is all about feeling the need to have external validation, or looking / being / acting a certain way in order to gain approval, love, belonging, success, etc.

This is rife in our social media-driven society. 

And the constant comparison trap is costing people greatly.

When I left NZ in 2009 to move to London, I realised that I really lacked confidence. I had such low self-worth and I knew it - so I decided to read loads of books about confidence. 

But what I realised - is that confidence can’t be learned just from a book. It mostly comes from taking action - and running at your dreams and fears. 

I threw myself in the deep-end and went for it. I started doing the things that scared me. And I quickly went from a shy, introverted, nervous girl, to a woman who now stands on stage regularly and doesn't feel that fear anymore. 

The second mistake people make is this:

Mistake #2:  

Thinking that confidence is something you have to go and GET

We are all born being able to do things - we can wriggle, we can cry, we can fill our nappy. We have inherent and unconscious confidence around these things because we can already do them.

As we grow up, we become confident in other activities as we learn them, like dressing ourselves, learning to read and write and tie our shoelace.

Then, we learn fear, doubt and worry. It is modelled to us by adults and we copy it!

Many of us think that we need to be able to do all the things we want to do perfectly, in order to feel confident. But that's a lie. 

The truth is, you already HAVE confidence!

Think of a time when you felt confident - a specific time. Imagine that time now and notice what you were seeing, feeling and hearing when you felt confident.

You have just accessed the fact that you are capable of feeling confident. If you can do it once, you can do it again. 

Your confidence is already in you - it's your choice when you want to use it and experience more of it. 

One of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to wanting to building their confidence, is this: Thinking confidence is something we have to go and get.

The fact is, True confidence does not come from outside you - it's an inside job.

Mistake #3:

Negative self-talk

Often, negative self-talk stems from expectations and comparison.

Expectations can arise from feeling as though you "should" look, be, sound or act a certain way. This might be due to your roles such as a partner, role-model or Mum, or profession such as a speaker, business owner or yoga instructor. Or it could be because of what others around you are like.

Expectations also pop up when you think you need to be in a different (usually much better) place than you are.

You wonder why you’re not there yet or you’re taking longer than you thought to arrive.

Or you start to question if you have it in you to achieve what it is you really want.

Comparison often arises when you look at someone else's life, body or possessions with judgment or jealousy, or you look at a previous version of your own.

Then you start to talk unkindly to yourself – doing the internal beat-up and speaking to yourself in a way that you wouldn’t to your best friends.

This is hugely detrimental to your relationship with yourself and also has a flow-on effect to how you treat other people.

Here are 3 of my top tips to help you overcome these common mistakes and start to increase your confidence - fast: 

1. When you feel unconfident, ask yourself what the block is that's in the way

Based on the fact that you're already confident, get specific on the exact thought that is stopping you feeling it. Usually, it's an unconscious or semi-conscious sentence or belief in your mind.

Maybe it's "I haven't done it before, so I might get it wrong"

or "I'm just a quiet, shy person"

or "It's just me, I can't change"

These are all limiting beliefs. Get specific on what it is coming up for you to bring awareness to it and then choose another more empowering belief.

Writing it down can be really helpful for this. 

2. DECIDE to be a confident person

I know, it sounds too simple. But it really can be that easy.

As psychologist Amy Cuddy says "Fake it until you become it"

Speak to yourself like you already are confident. Tell yourself you’re confident.
SAY it to yourself with conviction, like it’s a DONE DEAL

If you want confidence - know that it's on it's way! It’s going to happen.

People say to me - "But how do you know it's going to happen?" 

And I say "Because why else would you want it?"

If we want something, it’s because we can have it!

3. Prove to yourself that you can trust yourself

When you commit to doing something and DO it, you start to TRUST yourself more.

When you trust yourself more and honour the commitments you make to yourself, you start to LIKE yourself more. When you like yourself more - you feel more CONFIDENT.

I'm not talking about arrogance, thinking you're better than someone else - I'm talking about genuinely liking yourself.

When you speak kindly to yourself and honour and respect yourself, you will be able to treat others in the same way - and as a result, as a by-product, you will feel more confident. 

And that’s a massive win!

Which of the 3 mistakes have you been making?

Which one of the 3 confidence tips resonates the most with you?

Take some time to do some journalling about this and decide on a simple action step you can take to put this tip into practice. 

You got this!

Kat xo

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The Fastest Way To Build Your Confidence: Webinar Replay

Would you like to feel more confident in your life at work, home and in your relationships? 

Would you like to stop comparing yourself to others and caring so much about what people think? 

Would you like to feel more proud of yourself every day?

So many people I meet want more fulfillment and happiness.

When I start asking them about what’s preventing them having it, it often comes down to lack of belief in themselves, a.k.a CONFIDENCE. 

If you would like to learn how to increase your confidence and courage, stop playing small and start to blow your own mind, grab a copy of my FREE webinar training: "The Fastest Way To Build Your Confidence".
 

WHAT YOU WILL LEARN:  

Secret 1:

How to avoid 5 common mistakes that people make when it comes to confidence, and how to feel good enough, right now

Secret 2:

How to turn up your confident power, regardless of what people around you might think and say - plus the thoughts that will help you with this process

Secret 3:

How to get your confidence back without comparing yourself to others, by discovering more about how you are uniquely wired
 

About Kat Millar Owner: Get Results Training, Speaker, Coach

Kat has helped thousands of people achieve life-changing results over the last 14 years. Kat offers a wide range of knowledge drawn from her experience studying personal development over the last 2 decades and as a business owner working in three different countries.  

Kat is a professionally trained Speaker, NLP Practitioner & Coach. 

She's invested tens of thousands of hours into learning highly-effective communication and confidence skills.  

Her trainings are inspiring, thought-provoking and always packed with valuable strategies and takeaways that can be applied straight away.  

 
Grab Your Free Access To The Recording

Break through your fears and doubts, by learning the fastest way to build your confidence and take fearless action towards your dreams.

Register for your free access to the recording now! 

I'm In!

 

 

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3 Ways To Move From Fear To Confidence

Would you like to increase your confidence, particularly when you’re speaking to a group of people in person or on video?

In this article I share 3 specific things you can do to move from FEAR to CONFIDENCE.

These are 3 light bulb moments that I had that helped me to overcome my fear of public speaking, become more confident and get my thoughts and ideas out to the world in a bigger way.

When you’re not confident, a lot of the time people don’t trust you, believe in you or want to follow you.

Being confident is a hugely powerful asset to have in your life and it affects every area of your life - your relationship with yourself and others, your work, health, social life, mindset, spirituality and emotions.

About 18 years ago, I gave my first talk at an Insurance company that I worked for in NZ. I remember that I was wearing a navy suit and heels and on the outside, I looked professional, but inside I was an absolute wreck.

My Manager asked me to present at a boardroom meeting. My palms were sweaty, my whole body was shaking, I was bright red and I couldn’t even look people in the eye at ALL. It was NOT a fun experience!

14 years ago, I started my own business as a personal trainer and worked at a gym called Les Mills in Auckland. I did my first talk there in an aerobics studio and there were 4 people there. Again, I was nervous, sweaty and shaky, but it was easier.

About 7 years ago, I was working in London and I attended a really big convention in Birmingham with a friend and I had one of those lightbulb moments when I was listening to the speakers. I realised that if I wanted to reach more people, I had to get over my fear of speaking to groups and learn the skills of presenting in public properly.

I remember afterward sitting in a hotel lobby drinking wine by a fireplace with my friend and talking about the speakers and I said him – I'm sick of just working with people one-on-one. I want to do what the speakers are doing!

It was a turning point where dream and reality collided. It was such a magical feeling of passion and excitement and massive energy!

It was so weird, because if you were with me as a child, you would have known a girl who HATED people looking at her. I was so introverted and melancholy as a child.

Since that time, I’ve been totally committed to learning and I’ve invested thousands of hours and dollars into educating mysel on professional presentation skills, coaching and NLP - so I could understand human behaviour, mindset and how to reach and influence more people.

The people that I’ve learned off are highly successful business owners who have built 7 figure businesses by getting their message out into the world.

Now one of the things that I'm MOST passionate about, is getting up in front of a group of people and sharing tools and strategies that can help them.

I’ve completely overcome my fear and although I still get nervous, it now longer stops me from stepping up.

My mission when it comes to working with people is to help them get clarity and confidence to go out there and make a difference, grow their business and help more people.

Here are the 3 major lightbulb moments I had that helped me move from fear to confidence:

1. Make your reason bigger than your fear

What built my confidence was running at my fear.

The first important thing to know is that fear is completely natural and normal.

Many people fear speaking to a group because at a primal level, we want to be part of a tribe to keep us safe.

If we go right back to our ancestors, one of the things we fear is sitting around a campfire and people looking at us. Because if everyone looks at us, they may see something in us that causes us to be exposed and expelled from the tribe.

In our 'hind' brain or reptilian brain, we feel at an unconscious level that if we speak up - we could die!

But I believe that this fear is one reason public speaking is so powerful. It's scarce to find people who are actually good at it. And I think that the reason not many people are good at it is - is because we are wired to be afraid of it.

It's not until we override that fear with our big WHY that we can move through the fear to get our message out.

It helps us grow and step up.

For me, I was working one-on-one and I realised that if I wanted to fulfill my vision of making a big difference and growing a big business that I HAD to change.

I HAD to overcome the fear that was holding me back or I would miss out on countless opportunities in life and spend my life playing small.

I had to stop calling myself an introvert, or someone who couldn't step up and speak in front of people.

If we can get out and influence more people and help people by speaking one to many rather than just one person at a time, that saves a LOT of time. That was a big motivational driver for me.

What would be your reason for taking your message out there in a bigger way?

Maybe for you, it's about promoting yourself more at work, or being brave enough to give a speech at a wedding, or attract new clients and grow your business.

We all have different motivational drivers and if we want to be better at influencing, we need to know what switches us on and lights us up to take action despite the fear.

What drives you? Is it significance? Speaking up against injustice?Show-casing what you offer?

Do you want to feel more heard and acknowledged? Do you want more respect, love or power?

Make your reason for helping people bigger than your fear.

2. Be prepared

A lot people have fear come up because they haven't prepared properly.

Preparation involves:

Getting ready with what you're going to say

Getting ready with how you're going to say it

Getting ready with how you look

Now, some people might say that they just want to be authentic and be themselves on stage.

Authenticity is a very popular idea and a lot of people are talking about it. Authenticity is very important, however, I do think it's misunderstood.

So, if authenticity is being yourself - let’s take this concept of self.

What is being yourself? Your self is not a set idea.

Your idea of self can change any time – you can surprise yourself!

So if we take this idea of self is a work in progress – why can’t I try out different aspects of myself?

Why can’t I have a go at being the performance of a great speaker and do some of the things that great speakers do?

We can all try it, we’re all capable of it.

So if we've decided that maybe we CAN be the type of person who steps up and speaks to a group, NOW - preparation is key.

Take the time to practice, put together a structure of what you want to say so that you're not wasting your own time and the time of other people.

Bringing forth your best work does take work and time.

Some of the greatest Tedtalk speakers rehearse for 3 months for their 20-minute talk.

Being prepared means your audience will get more out of it.

The higher the stakes, the more time you want to put in.

Something else that will help reduce your fear is to make sure:

a. You’re passionate about it

b. That you believe in what you’re saying

c. That you’re giving value

If you don’t have those 3 things – You’re probably going to feel more fear!

3. Remember - it’s not about you

The final light bulb moment I had was that it wasn't about me. I had to get over myself! It sounds really obvious, but it's not always obvious that we're doing it!

It's not about you - it's about your message.

When you're speaking to people, the more you think about yourself, the more you'll feel fear because you're thinking about looking good and avoiding looking bad.

If you're speaking and you're constantly thinking about how you're looking, how you're sounding, what people are thinking, wondering if people are judging you etc. - you're going to increase your fear.

When you focus on the audience and your message, you get downloads come to you and new insights come out of you because you're PRESENT.

It's about your message coming through you. THAT can reduce the fear.

I believe we all have a message to bring forth and a mission to fulfill on this planet to fulfill. If you don't do it, no one else is going to do it.

So focus on the change you can help someone make in their life.

One thing that really helped me, was when someone said to me - every day that you are focusing on yourself, someone is suffering.

Someone is actually struggling right now because they have a problem that you can help them solve.

That's not to add any pressure or guilt, but that was what helped me overcome fear and get out there in the world.

You know enough to help someone solve a problem and if you have a smartphone, you can get on there in an instant and help provide solutions for people.

Forget the judgment. It's ok if not everyone resonates with what you say. It doesn't matter - it's about the people that can be helped.

Would you like to improve your confidence?

Check out my events page to see what events I have coming up.

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