In this video and blog post, I share with you 2 compelling traits you need in order to influence people.
What are the compelling traits that you need in order to influence people?
We’re not born with the skill of being able to influence people, it’s something that we need to practice and master. And we can keep getting better for the rest of our lives.
Authentic influence is about helping people to get what they want, to understand what are the limiting beliefs, some of the mindsets that are stopping them from getting what they want, and becoming the most awesome version of themselves.
If you want to grow your business, attract more clients, make more money and help more people, then you need to learn how to be a compelling person and how to magnetise people towards you.
You need to know how to be charismatic, how to be confident, how to be attractive to the people that you’re serving, that you’re helping.
So think about right now, think about the people in your life that you are influencing, that you’re having an influence over, and the people that you want to have more fun with.
Whether that is your tribe, your community.
It might be your followers on Instagram or Facebook.
The people that are watching your life – maybe people that your clients are coming to see your workshop.
It could be people that you want to attract into your business.
Maybe it’s your peers or colleagues or joint venture partners with – there are so many different people that we influence.
We also influence our friends and our family.
You’re already an influencer, you’re already influencing people as it is.
So if you want to get better at it, there are two traits that you really need to have in balance.
There’s always an equal and opposite reaction.
Whenever there is light there is dark, whenever there is good, there is bad.
That opposite, that polarisation happens all throughout the laws of the universe if you think male: female, masculine: feminine.
And these are the two traits that we need.
Number one, we need strength.
And number two, we need warmth.
Strength and warmth are key attributes that define the quality of our relationships with others.
If you think about it, if we have the strength and we don’t have any warmth, we’re not particularly compelling and attractive and influential.
Imagine someone really strong, direct, blunt, really kind of forceful, with no warmth – that can be a real turnoff.
And then imagine someone really warm, really loving, very feminine energy. But it’s not strong at all, it’s just too much on the warmth end of the spectrum. It can be too fluffy and overly ‘nice’.
They also are not compelling, because we don’t always feel safe with them or that they are going to give us a result.
To be compelling, we need both.
Strength
Strong people exude a sense of inner ability, strength and confidence. We can be influenced by them and follow them (so they are often in leadership positions). But strength alone is not the key to leadership. Without the warmth we may respect them, but we may not like nor trust them.
Strength is about competency. You all know those people that are super competent, and super confident. And you just feel safe, when you’ve got that strength, you can help people feel safe around you.
When you’re competent, when you can help them to get what they want, when you can show them that you are the person that can get them from A to B, you’re the person that can make them feel secure and safe and supported in your strength, you know, because you’re strong.
Strength is about competency. It’s about respect.
So often we command respect by being competent, by being confident, by being strong.
Strength is usually more testosterone-driven.
So more men tend to have this, but there are definitely women that have this down this end of the spectrum, but it’s more of a feminine rather than a male-female thing.
If you’ve got a lot of testosterone in that energy, then you’ll have that strength. We need to have that strength when we are influencing people.
Think about when you’re in a sale, you cannot just be warm, you cannot just be lovely and nice. And what do you think and what do you want, and we’ve got to actually have that strength, we’ve got to be strong, we’ve got to show people we can help you, I can help you.
We are reliable we, you know, you’ve got to draw their respect from people because and I know as an adult teacher, I had to always walk into the classroom and get respect from them rather than love and friendship from them.
I learned that from my teacher friends, I asked them, “How do I be a good teacher?” and they said, “Don’t try and be friends with the students”. Get their respect first. That’s the strength.
They need to respect you and know you have that strength first.
And then you add that flavor of warmth once you’ve got that.
So, you probably sit somewhere along that end of the spectrum.
If you’re more on the strength side, you’re probably quite direct, quite blunt, you probably use quite a big movement.
Someone who is very strong, they use big movements, they have very open space, they command attention, they command respect, they have a big presence. They are usually quite big in their gestures, and quite open.
So if you’re too much in your strength energy, and you’re wanting to be a little bit warmer, (because we need both), bring it in a little bit with your body language.
So maybe touch that person on the shoulder, maybe sit closer to them, actually pull them in closer to your proximity.
If you are really strong energy already, just to bring a little bit more warmth. And you might just match and mirror that person a little bit more. So that you’re getting more warmth because they’re feeling kind of getting that emotional feeling going.
If you are very direct already, and you want to be more of a warm person because you maybe feel that being too strong and too direct and blunt, and too in your masculine energy. Like let’s just get the job done, the fastest way from A to B, let’s not worry about, you know, all the feel-good stuff.
If you don’t have any feel-good stuff, you’ve got zero, then people can feel like it’s all about the task. We want to check more into our warmth if we’re in that in that kind of mode.
Warmth
Warmth is the perception someone cares for us. They listen, understand us, even empathise with us.
We distrust people’s motives who lack warmth. They put us on our guard and we try to avoid them.
Warmth is empathy. Empathising with that person. And we do that by nodding, by agreeing with someone, by validating their emotions, by helping them feel really safe. It’s a really different kind of safety.
With strength, with that energy, you feel safe because it’s results-driven. You’re safe because I’m going to get the job done for you, you’re very confident.
The warmth is more about showing – you’re safe with me because you can open up, you can be vulnerable.
The warmth is very vulnerable. It’s our feminine, it’s our nurturer. It’s about making people feel really accepted and loved.
Warm people tend to be smaller with their gestures, their body language is usually softer and there’s more smiling. It can be a little bit more tilted, so we go asymmetrical to be warmth, where strong energy is very symmetrical.
If you think about it when you say something and you’re certain, and you’re strong, you say it in symmetry, feet together, not one foot forward. Hands-on the hips, very strong.
The warmth is with open palms.
So if you’re wanting to bring out more warmth, then we do more open palms, plus a tilt of the head which is very vulnerable.
In terms of body language, with the strength, it’s usually big actions, very open, they’re not matching or mirroring, they’re being strong, and they command respect.
We respect those people, if there is enough warmth.
The warmth is the love. The strength is the respect.
We need both, we need both types of energy. If we’re too much on this end of the spectrum, people aren’t going to feel a connection to us, They’re not going to necessarily feel drawn to us and be compelled, they might not even like us.
They might respect us, but they probably really don’t like us.
And on this side, on the warmth side, we can really feel like someone’s really loving and warm, where you just feel the love and feel looked after.
But we probably wouldn’t trust them to help us buy a house or to help us manage our money or to help us solve our problems. Right?
In addition, when you’re in a sales conversation, for example, we need to go back and forth, kind of like the infinity symbol, we go into our strength, then we go into our warmth. And we need to adjust where we fit in on the spectrum.
It’s basically Yin and Yang.
Competency, empathy.
Respect, connection.
We need to balance and go back and forth.
We need to actually show the person that we’re influencing or that we’re working with, that we’re connecting with, that we are both – that we can be both.
So when I’m in a sales conversation, the majority is warmth – questioning, building rapport, matching body language. The matching of body language is very much the warmth, it’s making the person feel very comfortable and very connected, very validated in their feelings.
And then when it gets to the results part of the sale, when I’m actually going to share with them how I can help them, I turn on my strength.
I say things like “Look, I know you’re sick and tired of xyz, let’s just get rid of that, let’s just move on, like, why don’t we get started?
I’ll go into that strong energy because if you stay in the warmth in that sales conversation and say things like “How do you feel. what would you like to do, you know, have a think about it” etc. and you go all passive it doesn’t work, it kills the sale.
Whereas if you start the sales conversation too strong and you’re really dictator-like and very direct and blunt, you’re also going kill the sale before it’s really even begun.
So, in a sales conversation where you want to influence someone. I recommend that you come in with your warmth, and then you, you dip and out of your strength – you say to someone “Look, I can absolutely help you with that” and you say it with certainty and conviction.
You go into this strong energy, you feel it – you’re tonality is strong it’s not questioning.
Whenever we’re communicating with people we’ve got to be thinking, what is needed more right now? Strength or warmth? Respect or connection? Competence, or compassion?
We’ve all got access those two compelling traits that you need to really effectively influence people. When you have both of these and a beautiful balance, which takes time and practice and skill, you can influence anyway.
You can use this on videos, you can use in your writing, you can use it in your workshops, you can use it in all of your communication and you will be incredibly influential and you’ll be perceived as an incredibly compelling and influential person.
And then I leave you with a quote that I love, which is, ” If you want to be liked, you need to like people”. And when you like people genuinely like people, you want to serve them, you want to help them you want to give them the best of you.
And the best of you is when you can get a really good balance between being really strong and being really warm.
If we get those two things right and balance, you will be absolutely unstoppable my friend.
So my question to you is, where do you sit on the spectrum? Are you naturally more in your strength or in your warmth?
And what can you do to move a little bit closer to the other side, or to just be in a little bit of more of a balance and a flow?
I hope it’s really helped knowing the two compelling traits that you need for influence.
Go and practice them this week, and let me know how you go.
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